On the road. Discovering who This New Man is.
Kelly Clarkson powers it out, pushing the tears into her listener’s lives as the beat pounds in the speakers:
“Everyone losses it. Everyone wants to throw it all away sometimes…. Yeah, I know what you’re going through!”
She nailed me, that’s for sure. I heard her lyrics recently as we were winding down La Parada, getting set to share. Times are tougher now that we have to pull the pieces together. My whole life was taken down, examined on the road, exposed as we saw the country and traveled here, there and wherever.
I can say looking back that it was so hard sometimes, keeping my feet on the ground. Half the time I barely knew where I was let alone where we might end up. We were literally on the edge of everywhere and easily able to topple into nothingness.
We’re not, because of family, friends and supporters, but for the first time on my journey to finding me as my New Man, I feel on the edge of homelessness. And that’s not just because funds for rent are tight — they surely are, since we now have to sell the products of our exploration! The sense of being without grounding comes too from having to settle on where we go from here. Whichever decision we make has major implications and obligations, and i have to help decide which of these we now sign up for.
This can be frightening. For me and for those who I owe much.
Everybody loses it and right now I feel like I am.
Everybody feels like throwing it all away, and I know this fear right now. La Parada is coming to an end and I have to make it into the substance of my new life, my new home of sorts.
I worry about me, our dogs, my partner. Where do we go from here? Which city, town, village, cabin in the woods? Which places become the foundation for the next part of our living?
And if I choose wrong about all of this, am I basically dragging all of my friends, followers and supports into a kind of homelessness, the homelessness of unfulfilled promises?
The projects we are doing – The New Man, SUVpacking, this confessional journal. Through these efforts I’m promising to give the knew me and the work of our travels a new home. But what if I fail? What if I don’t live up to their potential?
I hope I don’t lose it; that I don’t throw it all away. I hope that’s enough for People Like us.
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a blog to complement: "Memory Lake: The Forever Friendships of Summer," an award winning novel-memoir
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